|"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."|
|"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"|
|"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."|
|"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"|
|"Si, Senor, that's the one."|
|"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"|
|"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"|
|"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"|
|"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."|
|"Dead horse? What dead horse?"|
|"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."|
|"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"|
|"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."|
|"Are you insane? What water cart?"|
|"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"|
|"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man? "|
|"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."|
|"What the hell??... Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!"|
|"Yes Senor Rod."|
|"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"|
|"For the funeral, Senor Rod."|
|"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"|
|"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."|
|[SILENCE..................., A LONG SILENCE....]|
|"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"|
My stocking wasn’t filled last night. Gutted, and I thought I had been alright this year. Obviously not. At least my long johns are always stuffed to capacity! Tim took this pic the other day because my boner looked like it was fake! I promise it’s not. That’s all mine.
"Ive been dating girls but I’ve never really had a serious relationship to talk about and now I feel ready to talk about my relationships.
Come Spring this year, my life changed, massively. When I met someone and they made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels…great. Well that someone is a guy, and it did take me by surprise a little bit. It was always in the back of my head that that could happen, but it wasn’t until Spring this year that it just clicked and felt right.” - Tom Daley x
They had sex every day; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn’t go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selection of dildos and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesitated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, “I really shouldn’t be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady.” He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, “Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say “voodoo penis” and then where ever you want it to go.” The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the “voodoo penis”. He commanded, “VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!” The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, “Voodoo penis, return to the box!” The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, “Voodoo penis, my crotch!” The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman, seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink. She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, “Voodoo penis, my ASS!”